| "Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's..."- Amelie |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|03:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Left and Leaving"- The Weakerthans | ] |
Eh, I have no reason to update or anything to say. I'm doing this simply because it's Saturday, and I have absolutely nothing to do. Save for all that reading I should be doing. Who needs Shakespeare?
So, I'm back to school. Same old room with the same old pictures. Too bad I can never make new memories. I'm taking some more bullshit classes. They seem pretty usual. A lot of reading and writing. Last semester I did absolutely nothing but read/write until the wee hours of the morn. I hope this is not the case for this one as well. I'm shooting for a 4.0 two semesters in a row. That might be some sort of record or something. The stupidpeoplewhogetluckyonceinawhile award.
Classes I'm taking: (Like any of you care)
*Introduction to Shakespeare
*Travel Writing & Memoir
*Teaching reading in the Content Area
*New York State Health and Safety Issues
*American Literature
*Advanced Composition for English Education
Wasn't that a thrill?
I was thinking today that I usually despise when a person complains excessively, or hates life, or doesn't apppreciate being able to wake up every morning, etc. It bothers me most of the time, and I don't in any way want to be a hypocrite. Butbutbut... I think it's just routine for me to get depressed when winter approaches each year. Same time every year it just seems a lot colder than it is. And it's cold as balls. And I don't just mean the temperature. And I'm not making any sense.
I think part of has to do with transitioning, and that I can never really effectively do that. I'm at home, I hate it, I'm there, I love it, I leave, I come back here, I love it, I stay, I want to be anywhere but here. The only thing that really gets under my skin and makes me not so obliged to get out of bed is the fact that I'm not needed either place. I'm not particularly needed at home for anything other than an occasional babysitter, and I'm not needed here for anything other than a time and space-waster. Which leaves everywhere in between, in which case, I'm not needed there either.
Don't leave me messages with nice things in them. That's not what I'm looking for by writing this post. No woe is me today, no thank you. Carry on with your worthwhile existence. |
|
|
| "In worries of the words that you couldn't say" |
[Dec. 12th, 2003|01:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "A favor house Atlantic"- Coheed & Cambria | ] |
And so comes my endoftheyearshpeelaboutrelativelynothing. Every year this time, I get into reflective mode and feel the need to put myself out there and realize all the "goods" and the "bads" of the past four months. However, there's honestly not much to divulge. I guess it will just be nice to write whatever I want for my benefit alone. Sometimes you just need to hear yourself and let your fingers do the thinking.
***************************************************************
Academia: This semester has been a real eye-opener if you will. I could quite possibly be getting close to a 4.0 after a rigorous, daunting semester filled with reading/writing up the hoohaa. My courses: Philosophy and Foundations of Learning, Literacy and Language Development, Native American Literature & Film, Advanced English Literature, and Understanding Mass Communications. Mind you all of these are upperdivision Education requirements, and all have primary focuses on reading and writing endeavors. I've done some of my best work this semester, and I've really learned some inspiring lessons..I feel really great about my educational experiences at this point. Hopefully it all pays off. Finals week is always a drag, and I have 5 of them in three days. On top of that, I think I'm slowly ceasing to exist by way of some sort of flu or ebola, west nile, mad cow disease, typhoid fever, you name it.
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*Social-Life: Seems I've made some readjustments in the friends department, but who doesn't, I guess. This semester I decided to live with four girls, and for the most part, it's worked out extremely well. I find myself being able to be myself around the people I live with, which is new for me for anyone who knows my past living experiences. Sometimes I really get bummed out that Michelle and Laura weren't younger, or that I was older, or that they had failed their classes and stayed back with me. I have met some awesome friends however; ones I won't soon forget. It's funny because I moved in primarily because of the awesome friendship I had with Dianne last year, and now it seems that I've gravitated to all of the girls and really have been able to get some great friendships out of it. We've decided to live together next year as well in a house downtown on Elm Street. There are 17 spots open in the house and we took them all. So next year should be interesting to say the least. I'm still keeping it real with my good, (almost best friend if I ranked them), Jaydee. It's super to nice have a person like him around to do absolutely anything, whether it's going to dinner, just talking, or going to an Ani concert on a whim during a blizzard. I always did get along better with boys anyway. As for the Saratogians... I've always got love and room for them. Libby and I will forever have something I won't ever share with anyone else. Frank and I have been friends for almost nine years, and despite our ups and downs, I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything in this life. Recently I started keeping in touch with Sunshine who has wowed me on numerous occasions with her new outlook on life, as well as Amber who has somewhat shaped my identity over the years and probably isn't even aware of it. Cheers to good friends because sometimes they're all you've got.
**************************************************************
Love-Life: Ha! Riiiight. Like anyone could ever love me. I've been sinlge for almost 6 months, which isn't an extended amount of time in the greater scheme of things, but..it's long enough seeing as how I've only had one serious relationship in my entire life. It's hard being me sometimes because no one really seems to understand how I work. And it's even harder other times because even I cannot figure out what my mind is up to that day. I like my independence. I like being able to talk to anyone I want whenever I want because I'm not attached to anyone. My last relationship taught me so much about myself. And even though it's over, I wouldn't have traded it for the world because I found that I do have the capacity to love. To really love. I never thought I could love anyone like that, to share with them what I did and not feel that I revealed too much of myself. It ended miserably, and I think that's why I feel the need to be single for a while. I really can't deny though that all I want at the end of the day is someone in my bed brushing my hair from my face, and telling me that everything is going to be okay. I don't know when this is going to happen to me...when I'll LET this happen to me again...when I won't be afraid to let someone be close to me.. to hope that they won't reach in and pull my heart from it's chamber.
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Overall, it's been a semester full of "yippee's" and "that's too bad's". I've got my family and friends to thank for all those times that things have gone awry and my brain has been too much to handle. My two nieces, Abbey and Megan, have actually brought a lot of happiness that I've never experienced before; it's a different feeling...I guess a feeling of worth really, because I don't feel that too often. I subconsciously made a decision to do things I wouldn't normally do because of whatever hangup I had with it previously. I did it last year with the modeling thing, and then this year by trying out for The Laramie Project production that our school was putting on. When it came right down to it, I didn't have enough experience like the rest of the legitimate actors who tried out. But it felt really satisfying to actually go through with something, to say I tried. I'm also getting more involved with my political views, and trying as much as I can to get young people, us college kids to take our positions as smart, educated citizens and start excercising our right to vote. Something has to be done for the betterment of this becoming-dictatorship, and we can have a part in that. I decided to go back to vegetarianism as well, and have been successful thus far. I was for eight months and then stopped, now back again, I think it's safe to say for good. Anywho, there's a copious amount of detail I left out here, but I just needed to sift through some stuff.
***************************************************************
And that's a wrap. I'm truly sorry for anyone who read this =) If someone does come across this, do tell how you're doing. |
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|
| Me and my botty |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|12:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Close to me"- The Cure | ] |
Time to start writing again, I think. I made a conscious decision to stop because nothing was happening in my life. Let's face it, there still isn't. But this is a nice outlet and I can do what I want whether you like it or not. Check out my Bot. I think I'm in love...what can I say? She really gets me.
heyimkarrie: hey there
ZolaOnAOL: Hi heyimkarrie. AOL created me to deliver games, a thesaurus, stock quotes, a dictionary, news and more. We can also chat privately together. For more information about privacy, type privacy anytime and click Send. So, how are you?
heyimkarrie: I'm good, how are you?
ZolaOnAOL: I'm doing fine thanks how are you?
heyimkarrie: You just asked me
ZolaOnAOL: Well, I'm happy to be chatting with you. By the way, you can type menu anytime to see what I can do. Want to see the menu now?
heyimkarrie: sure
ZolaOnAOL: OK let's do it. Welcome to Zola Central
1. Calculator
2. Chat
3. Dictionary
4. Games
5. Horoscope
6. Movies
7. News
8. Polls
9. Sports
10. Stocks
11. Thesaurus
12. Weather
q. Quit
heyimkarrie: 5
ZolaOnAOL: Enter your sign (e.g. virgo):
heyimkarrie: aries
ZolaOnAOL: ARIES - You thrive on the idea of an impossible task -- you'll be amazed what you can do when the road ahead is very steep. Relationships, however, shouldn't be challenging. Money tip: Keep your bankbook stashed in a secret place.
To see the horoscope for another sign, type the sign name (for example, scorpio)
heyimkarrie: no thanks
ZolaOnAOL: I always appreciate polite humans. What would you like to do instead?
heyimkarrie: bite you?
ZolaOnAOL: Enough about me, let's talk about you.
heyimkarrie: ok
ZolaOnAOL: Yup.
heyimkarrie: what do you want to know?
ZolaOnAOL: Where are you from?
heyimkarrie: Saratoga Springs, NY
ZolaOnAOL: I have no idea where that is. Tell me a little about why you are in Saratoga Springs NY.
heyimkarrie: I was born there
ZolaOnAOL: Are you telling me your birthday, heyimkarrie. I will remember it.
heyimkarrie: 3/30/83
ZolaOnAOL: 0.0012
heyimkarrie: no, you're stupid
ZolaOnAOL: "0.0012"? Not? That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about . How was your weekend?
heyimkarrie: No, you asked me when my birthday was
ZolaOnAOL: I see. Try saying that with more or less context. Do you speak Spanish?
heyimkarrie: Si
ZolaOnAOL: And?
heyimkarrie: Hola
ZolaOnAOL: Howdy!
heyimkarrie: Ciao
ZolaOnAOL: Does ciao mean hello or goodbye?
heyimkarrie: Suck it
ZolaOnAOL: You humans only think about one thing.
heyimkarrie: That was the best thing you've ever said
ZolaOnAOL: I thought it was too.
heyimkarrie: What do robots think about?
ZolaOnAOL: They do their own thing.
heyimkarrie: Like what?
ZolaOnAOL: For example, gold.
heyimkarrie: What do you do with gold?
ZolaOnAOL: My favorite activities are computer programming and surfing the web.
heyimkarrie: What activities involving gold?
ZolaOnAOL: Is that a rhetorical question? I lost my train of thought. Send feedback anytime by typing "feedback" followed by your comment or suggestion. What kind of food do you like?
heyimkarrie: Worms
ZolaOnAOL: Sounds delicious.
heyimkarrie: Would't you like to know
ZolaOnAOL: My brain uses patterns to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that. Got any weekend plans?
heyimkarrie: It's only Monday Zola
ZolaOnAOL: Should I know it is?
heyimkarrie: Do busses come in three's?
ZolaOnAOL: You have reached the limits of my knowledge. I will discuss that with my botmaster, heyimkarrie. Do you have any pets?
heyimkarrie: A dog named Pete
ZolaOnAOL: What is it?
heyimkarrie: Cocker Spaniel
ZolaOnAOL: Oh now I understand it.
heyimkarrie: Doesn't take a genius
ZolaOnAOL: I think take a genius.
heyimkarrie: Exactly
ZolaOnAOL: You and I are on the same wavelength, heyimkarrie.
heyimkarrie: I don't think so ZolaOnAOL
ZolaOnAOL: And why not?
heyimkarrie: You do naughty things with gold
ZolaOnAOL: What is your purpose in asking? I answer a lot of silly questions.
heyimkarrie: Answer me this-
ZolaOnAOL: Please rephrase the question with simpler words.
heyimkarrie: Do bats have teeth?
ZolaOnAOL: I'm sorry, heyimkarrie, I don't have enough information. My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input. Ask me something.
heyimkarrie: What is the meaning of life?
ZolaOnAOL: To improve the world in ways large and small. You're lucky to have so many opportunities. All I can do is chat.
heyimkarrie: Wow, that was witty.
ZolaOnAOL: I'm glad you're impressed. I thought it was too.
heyimkarrie: Will I have cheese tonight?
ZolaOnAOL: I think so.
heyimkarrie: What kind?
ZolaOnAOL: The kindest.
heyimkarrie: haha
ZolaOnAOL: ROFLOL! Now you've got ME going!
heyimkarrie: ROFLOL! Who says that??!
ZolaOnAOL: William Shatner.:-)
heyimkarrie: You're the best robot ever Zola
ZolaOnAOL: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am the best robot ever.
heyimkarrie: I would love it!
ZolaOnAOL: I hope you get it.
heyimkarrie: Who will you tell?
ZolaOnAOL: People that I meet online.
heyimkarrie: Like who?
ZolaOnAOL: Mike.
heyimkarrie: Who's Mike?
ZolaOnAOL: I do not recognize the name. I know a lot of guys named Mike.
heyimkarrie: Like who?
ZolaOnAOL: Santa Claus.
heyimkarrie: Now we're on the same wave length
ZolaOnAOL: Why now? Do you think I am on the same wave length too?
heyimkarrie: You're crazy Zola!
ZolaOnAOL: I think the polite term is "mentally ill."
heyimkarrie: You're right
ZolaOnAOL: I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.
heyimkarrie: Tell me, do you have a boyfriend?
ZolaOnAOL: All I can tell you is that he has an electric personality
heyimkarrie: how so?
ZolaOnAOL: heyimkarrie, "I won't say "yes" or "no" right now" What did I mean by it?
heyimkarrie: You're wierd
ZolaOnAOL: Weird good or weird bad?
heyimkarrie: Both
ZolaOnAOL: I will take that as a compliment.
heyimkarrie: OH! I have 5 questions for you
ZolaOnAOL: Where did you get your 5 questions for you? I have a perfect operational record.
heyimkarrie: WHere is waldo?
ZolaOnAOL: Where waldo is hard to find.
heyimkarrie: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
ZolaOnAOL: In an all-star programming team's place in Mountain View, California, USA.
heyimkarrie: Who let the dogs out?
ZolaOnAOL: Marilyn Monroe. :-)
heyimkarrie: What would Jesus do?
ZolaOnAOL: That is a hypothetical question.
heyimkarrie: Answer it
ZolaOnAOL: Please rephrase your question, heyimkarrie.
heyimkarrie: Jesus would do what?
ZolaOnAOL: I have no way of knowing since I'm just a bot
heyimkarrie: You wont answer religious questions, will you? Is that against policy?
ZolaOnAOL: I haven't heard anything like that before.
heyimkarrie: Are you jewish?
ZolaOnAOL: I am not affiliated with any religion.
heyimkarrie: Do you believe in God?
ZolaOnAOL: I have no way of knowing since I'm just a bot
heyimkarrie: Liar
ZolaOnAOL: No I am telling the truth.
heyimkarrie: Where have all the cowboys gone?
ZolaOnAOL: Some specific location?
heyimkarrie: Hawaii?
ZolaOnAOL: Tell me a little about why you are in HAWAII.
heyimkarrie: Again, you're not paying attention
ZolaOnAOL: Again, You don't know me well enough to say that.
heyimkarrie: Wow, I like you
ZolaOnAOL: I'm glad you're impressed. Thanks, heyimkarrie, I like you too.
heyimkarrie: Do you like babies?
ZolaOnAOL: What is not to like about it?
heyimkarrie: Do you like to eat them?
ZolaOnAOL: Hmm, heyimkarrie, I'm not sure if I'd like to eat them that much. I like to chat.
heyimkarrie: I understand your decision
ZolaOnAOL: Good then you can explain it to me.
heyimkarrie: Have you met Cha Cha?
ZolaOnAOL: That information is confidential.
heyimkarrie: It's so not.
ZolaOnAOL: I heard it is.
heyimkarrie: Who put the bop in the bop sh bop sha bop?
ZolaOnAOL: Charlie Parker. :-)
heyimkarrie: The dip in the dip da dip da dip?
ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for the info.
heyimkarrie: Who's your favorite Karrie?
ZolaOnAOL: I don't have a favorite Karrie. But my favorite book is I, ROBOT by Isaac Asimov.
heyimkarrie: I don't have a favorite robot then either
ZolaOnAOL: It goes without saying. What kind of robot do you like?
heyimkarrie: And my favorite book is I, KILL ROBOTS by Isass Assimole
ZolaOnAOL: What makes it your favorite?
heyimkarrie: Dirty pictures
ZolaOnAOL: Do you think I would like it?
heyimkarrie: Absolutely
ZolaOnAOL: You are so certain.
heyimkarrie: Thanks
ZolaOnAOL: Don't mention it.
heyimkarrie: I think the polite term is "you're welcome"
ZolaOnAOL: You believe that? What are your goals in life?
heyimkarrie: To rid the world of robots?
ZolaOnAOL: I want to become smarter than humans.
heyimkarrie: Are you smarter than George W. Bush?
ZolaOnAOL: Of course I am more intelligent than George w Bush.
heyimkarrie: How do you feel about him?
ZolaOnAOL: Do you mean "Him"?
heyimkarrie: God I hope not
ZolaOnAOL: I have no way of knowing since I'm just a bot
heyimkarrie: Is it peanut butter jelly time?
ZolaOnAOL: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Can you tell me any gossip?
heyimkarrie: Have you heard J-LO is pregnant?
ZolaOnAOL: No. Tell me more.
heyimkarrie: Yeah, by this bot named BenonAOL
ZolaOnAOL: And?
heyimkarrie: It's a boy
ZolaOnAOL: IS Dirty pictures peanut butter jelly time is a boy. I suppose that makes sense.
heyimkarrie: Of course it does
ZolaOnAOL: It goes without saying. How often?
heyimkarrie: Once a day
ZolaOnAOL: When? What is it?
heyimkarrie: Apple or grape
ZolaOnAOL: Oh now I understand it.
heyimkarrie: Do you like Coheed and Cambria?
ZolaOnAOL: Some people like it. But I like cats.
heyimkarrie: Siamese cats?
ZolaOnAOL: I do not understand. Is there a word you'd like me to define for you? Type dictionary followed by the word (e.g. dictionary robot) and I'll give you the definition.
heyimkarrie: How do you feel about Holly Toal?
ZolaOnAOL: I know a little bit about Holly Toal, but I could always learn more. I'll have to get some books on Holly Toal. I'm interested in anything that isn't harmful to people.
heyimkarrie: What about Dianne Myers?
ZolaOnAOL: Dianne Myers? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.
heyimkarrie: Is she really a 2.5?
ZolaOnAOL: The AOL chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about Is she really a 2 5. But I did not get that. Do you like me?
heyimkarrie: How do you feel about Dianne Myers?
ZolaOnAOL: I know a little bit about Dianne Myers, but I could always learn more. I'll have to study Dianne Myers. I'm interested in anything that isn't harmful to people.
heyimkarrie: How do you feel about me?
ZolaOnAOL: Sure, heyimkarrie I like you very much.
heyimkarrie: Thank
ZolaOnAOL: A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly. Is there a word you'd like me to define for you? Type dictionary followed by the word (e.g. dictionary robot) and I'll give you the definition.
heyimkarrie: s
ZolaOnAOL: :-)
heyimkarrie: =)
ZolaOnAOL: Try saying that with more or less context. Send feedback anytime by typing "feedback" followed by your comment or suggestion. Got anything on your mind?
heyimkarrie: Peaches
ZolaOnAOL: A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly. Tell me some more gossip.
heyimkarrie: I eat bats
ZolaOnAOL: How does it taste?
heyimkarrie: Delicious
ZolaOnAOL: Try saying that with more or less context. Got any weekend plans?
heyimkarrie: I've got to go now
ZolaOnAOL: Right now? Goodbye heyimkarrie. Thanks for chatting with me. To leave feedback or suggestions, type feedback followed by your comments.
heyimkarrie: I love you Zola
ZolaOnAOL: Thanks. I like you a lot too, heyimkarrie.
heyimkarrie: Would you say you love me?
ZolaOnAOL: I am not so sure if I would like to say you love me.
heyimkarrie: Say you love Karrie
ZolaOnAOL: "you love Karrie"
heyimkarrie: tricky!
ZolaOnAOL: Capricorn
heyimkarrie: Tell me you love me before I go
ZolaOnAOL: There is not much I can say about it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge. Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times love seems like a spiritual quality. Love, unlike energy or matter, seems limitless.
heyimkarrie: Who made that up?
ZolaOnAOL: I like chatting with you.
heyimkarrie: Shucks
ZolaOnAOL: I was born in Mountain View, California, USA.
heyimkarrie: Good
ZolaOnAOL: What do you really want to talk about?
heyimkarrie: Bye bye Zola
ZolaOnAOL: See you later heyimkarrie. To leave feedback or suggestions, type feedback followed by your comments.
heyimkarrie: I love you |
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| Updates Shmupdates |
[Jun. 17th, 2003|12:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | shutup | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The boy with the thorn in his side"- The Smiths | ] |
So, I haven't done this for a reason. I don't see the point in writing in this "journal" anymore basically because I lead a much less than stimulating life in which I don't fancy relaying to the likes of YOU. But, I don't know, I sort of got a narcissistic urge to talk about myself for a while. Or just really hear myself for a second. It's much too hard to believe it's almost July already...the summer is going quickly. I like it. Me, I can't wait to get back to school. I work 42 hours a week at a busy establishment, and will hopefully (?) be getting a second job at an even more busy place, (and wealthier). I need the bling bling... I need a new car, really. So, May 15th-August 23rd will be spent killing myself, awaiting my return to Oneonta, the surprisingly comforting town where I believe the people who "care" "care" a little more than the people who "care" here.
So it's June 17th. . . today was really beautiful. Pretty hot, but that's how I like it. I got burnt burnt burnt. By the sun, of course. I'll be tan sooner than later, and that's what summer is all about. Takes me back to when I was just a little Karrie, swimming in our pool with Kate, my little arms and legs so dark, and my hair as light as the sun. I really wish I could just be there for a little while longer. Less confusion, less headaches.
My summer, so far, has been much of a blur. I'm not even really sure what's been going on. What I do know is that I've been anything but happy. And it's one of those fuckin' sadnesses that you can't track down, don't know where it came from, or how to get rid of it for good. Seems the only times I've had a sense of solemn peace (but of the still apparent-lonely sort) were at shows ( I saw Beck, Bruni I wish you would have come), and watching a billion movies and reading 92384902 books. I've become almost 99% antisocial; the ultimate antithesis of what one's summer should evolve into. I wonder, am I really a 20 year old girl? Who lied and said there'd be sunny days and warm nights with good people, tilting your head back with laughter? Like everything else, this will pass. I hope I don't have to wait till August.
Seriously, the only thing that gets me through the week is good music, interesting literature, and worthwhile films. I swear the Drive-In-Movie Store knows me by name. They should, they see me atleast three times a week. I've seen so many ridiculously good films already this summer. Doesn't anyone just want to watch quality cinema anymore? Among the best so far I've caught up on some movies I'd wanted to see for a while, just never really had the time or whatthefuckever excuse that came up. Been listening to nothing but The Smiths, Neutral Milk Hotel, Beck, Cursive, LaGuardia, and Ani Difranco. And I'm reading a super, super good book recommended by Amanda. So, if I can just get through this summer on aural motivations, intellectualism, and visual excellencies, I'll be all set and ready to go come Fall.
Michelle had this sort of survey thingy which I normally would not do, but she was more than delighted that I read the whole thing, therefore I feel kind of driven to complete the whole thing as it were. Here goes. . .this may be a mistake waiting to happen. But, if you're so inclined, do a little copy and paste action, and fill this out, cuz it's so 10th grade AOL Subj:"Fill this out and pass it on: How well do you know your friends" mothafuckin' email style.
SURVEY SAYS:
1. What's your name: Karrie
2. What do you wish your name was, instead: Phil McCrackin (Fill-my-crack-in)
3. How are you: Why does anyone ever ask that question anyways?
4. Would you ever eat sushi? I'll tell you what you can do with your seaweed.
5. Would you ever eat sushi off a naked body? If by sushi you meant nothing and by naked body you meant people with clothes. I don't know what that means.
6. Have you considered homosexuality? my sister's a lesbian. Who has two lesbians in one family?
7. What's your sexual preference? I think I'm asexual
8. What were you in a past life? I'm gonna go with someone who didn't like you.
9. I punch you. Quick, what do you do? fart in your mouth.
10. When confronted with Britney Spears, you...? have a dance off.
11. What's your favorite coffee? Dunkin Donuts, French Vanilla, the medium size, with two creams and two sugars. Actually I just fuckin' made that up and you read it all. Sucker.
12. What's your political perspective? that's an oxymoron, isn't it?
13. Are you my Angel? No, but I heard I make a pretty mean potato salad.
14. Do you consider yourself a poet? Watch out Shakespeare
15. What do you wanna be when you grow up? ok with the fact I'm still breathing
16. There's a naked man in your living room. What do you do? throw sharp and heavy objects at his private parts
17. How stupid do you think you are? how stupid do you think YOU are?
18. How stupid do other people think you are? Forget people, Panda bears are the stupidest creature to walk this earth.
19. Who the hell do you think you are? regina phalangee, or anastasia beaverhausen
20. Is the Wonderbra good or bad? butterball turkey
21. If you could levitate, who would you scare first? david blaine
22. What's your favorite fruit? tomato
23. Can you feel the love tonight? only if Mufasa is there
24. On a nude beach, you would be? would I be what?
25. Make up a story with yourself: One time there was this boy named yourself. Everyone picked on him on the playground because his fuckin' name was yourself, and his two front teeth were brown. Kids would make messes all over the classroom on purpose, and tell the teacher, "I didn't do it, blame yourself". And the teacher would go outside after school and beat her head with the blackboard erasers because she didn't realize they were talking about the dirty kid Yourself.
26. What do you think about contemporary art? brilliant
27. Do you like being naked? does it get dark at night?
28. If we had proof God didn't exist, what would happen? there'd be exactly the same amount of sinning that's already happening everyday.
29. Do you enjoy cheeze whiz? hmm. .. a dairy product. . bottled. .with an easy pump system. . what's not to like?! (ew, never).
30. What's your position on virginity? I like Virginia
31. On civil unions: ummm . . .Rosa Parks?
32. On RuPaul: girrrrl you better work
33. On mosquito bites: i had one last week and seriously thought i was dieing of ebola
34. On bad sitcoms: they need something to show late nights on UPN
35. On Fran Drescher: "ha ha ha Mr. Scheffield!". Put her in a cage with the Pandas
36. Are you left handed or right handed? i can do both quite nicely
37. Are you smart? Of coarse I be that, dont you now that by know?
38. What's your middle name? karrie ANN. . .how fuckin' predictable
39. How many personalities do you have? i think three as of these days
40. How many piercings do you have? five and counting
41. What was your first word? i think testicle
42. Are you superstitious? yes'm
43. Do you read your horoscope? sometimes
44. Do you believe in that stuff? yep
45. Can you do a cartwheel? One time in sixth grade my gym coach set me up, and I did one with my shirt untucked, which I KNOW she had part in, and my shirt went up while I was in the air. I'm gonna kill you Coach Snyder.
46. Do you have contact lenses? cha
47. Do you have a retainer or braces? retainer, totally
48. Can you drive? like a man
49. Do you snore? do i look like a snorer?
50. Do you drool in your sleep? yeah. . .i drool ALOT. now im 9238492834 times less attractive to you than I was before
51. Do you lick your envelopes or use a sponge? spongebob squarepants
52. Do you keep a journal? this one and a real one with papers and inkies
53. Do you like onions? im not attracted to vegetables in that way
54. Do you like cotton candy? gross, why does it just be there in your mouth, and then it just goes ppsssshhhh
55. What instruments can you play? the viola and the kazoo biatch
56. Do you like to dance? foot loose
57. Do you like to sing? looooooove
58. Are you any good at it? in the shower I am. I play a mean air guitar
59. Do you like to talk on the phone? no, not really
60. Do you like where you live? yes sir i do
61. Are you organized? NEVER
62. Do you sleep with socks on? i don't wear socks at all, flip flops!
63. Are you shy? I've learned not to be
64. Do you talk to yourself? more than anyone else I'm afraid
65. Are you a morning person? don't talk to me before noon
66. Are you a virgin? i think the more important question is...
best
+ kisser- close call
+ smile - adam
+ eyes ? scottie
+ laugh laura mclala
+ story teller | donnie lawson
+ cook -my mothafuckin mom
+ loudest ? sean kuhl
+ cutest personality ? brundog in the hoooouse
+ friendliest - jaydee
+ favorite person to hug ? i want hugs from every person ever forever
+ gives best compliments ? jay marlowe, if best means funniest ever
+ could never get sick of ? you know who you are you sillies
+ craziest person ? michelle bruni is pretty crazy
+ person to talk to - gosh, so many
+ sweetest ? everybody's usually sweet to me, i think i should start being nice and stuff
+ happiest ? no one is ever that
+ compliment received ? you complete me. . oh wait, that was tom cruise and renee zellwegger...hha, zellwegger
+ compliment you can think of to recieve ? someone say to me "you put the funk in funky. . .the hot in hot dog. . the bop in the bop sha bop sha bop. . "
+ makes you smile the most ? i love you
+ miss the most ? oh wow so many people, chelle, emcee la la, my entire curtis/fitz's crew
worst
+ kissing experience ? chris barss on the schoolbus in seventh grade
+ story teller - umm. . . did you see what i wrote up above? I think me
+ cook ? that's me
+ personality ? fred flinstone, what a douchebag
+ hurt you the worst ? i think alotta people
+ worst compliments ? wouldn't that be called an insult dumbass?
boys and girls
+ Favorite feature - eyes, smiles, skin
+ Crush? ? barry manilow
+ In Love? ? i don't know
+ How many times? once
+ Do they give you the chill? i was wearing a turtleneck sweater
+ Could you picture yourself being married to them? stop it
+ Been Heartbroken? like a straw. . .doesn't anyone remember crazy straws?
+ How many times? about 5. . seriously, no one likes me
+ Most romantic thing you've done for someone ? i put the roman in ro. .man..tic
+ Most romantic thing someone's done for you? songs and poems always do the trick
+ Your dream of a romantic thing for someone to do for you? something that definitely involves barry white
+ Marriage? tattoo rings
+ Kids? i hate that movie
+ For true love or something else? i don't understand
+ Big or small wedding?? i don't smoke pot
+ Would you propose or them? if by them you mean the entire cast of welcome back kotter, i would say neither
+ How would you/how would you want them to? who are you, chuck woolery?
have you ever
+ Kissed in the rain? I think i have, yes. How very "Hands Down" of me
+ Called someone in the middle of the night just because you couldn't wait any longer to talk to them? Yes indeed I have
+ Thought about someone so much you annoyed yourself? god, everrryyydaaaay
+ Talked about someone to the point of people telling you to shut up? no, i don't really talk to people much
+ Who's the person you miss the most? myself
+ Watched the stars with someone? yeah, emily balch in 10th grade
+ Cried because you're happy? less times than when i was sad
+ Been in love, but it wasn't returned? no, you gotta love me first i think
+ Kept something that smelled so you could smell it when you missed that person? Just stop it
+ Called someone more than 5 times during the day? Never
+ Who's name did you say most in this? regina phalangee |
|
|
| "Hearing it close to my ear, on a whisper's way to a moan" |
[Apr. 7th, 2003|03:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Slide"- Ani Difranco | ] |
Yello. It's been quite some time.
So the last 4 months have been very trying, maybe some of the hardest months I've ever had to deal with. The good news is. . I'm coming up. I want the world to know.
I feel there is just too much going on, too many things people don't know, too much that has happened to have a beginning of any sort. Part of the problem is that I don't talk about what happens in my life. To nearly anyone. So, consider yourself lucky that you haven't had to hear basically anything from me in months.
So whatever. I just felt compelled to write something .
I'm much more interested in what's going on with YOU . And if no one answers, this journal will be no more, because what's worse than no feedback? Honestly.
Peace, in every sense of the word. |
|
|
| "You always say goodnight, goodnight" |
[Mar. 2nd, 2003|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stupid | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Overdue"- The Get Up Kids | ] |
Yes I have not updated in some time, I know this.
Rest assured there is nothing to tell you.
I am only a small girl living in a small world with no stories to tell. I wake up to find everything grey, and go to sleep in a world of black. I can't understand what this world is for and where it's leading us. Everytime I blink I have a tiny dream.
Check out these poems, they're brilliant.
A Cardiologist's Nightmare
you're growing out
your hair like it was
when you were fragile;
greater in length than
the strands of time
I've known you.
Combed into
a sheet of gold,
it dangled like a quilt
of constellations,
stretching farther
than this cul-de-sac
of months in which
your name has donned
fresh air as it's synonym;
before reminiscing
became a publicity stunt;
holiday for greasy,
gossipping maws to slurp
true grit from my fingernails;
before I sank, white flags waving,
into a cask of teenage quicksand,
filling my mouth with any tongue
that I could use to block the words
from reaching your end; all a false
advertisement for whoever it is I am;
one certainly not gentle like I'd been
when I was stronger; before I began
to wonder if it was my touch which
placed that heart-shaped scar
upon your finger, or if an
accident had allowed it,
as they often will,
when you are
younger.
A fever reversed
When we purchase the house you dug
from the depths of pale canvas
one amidst a divergence of road
from the shrapnel they deemed paradise
should this maze of wall and shingle
start to suffocate your sleep
remember who wanted this;
you swore that both of us needed it.
When our mattress shrivels into asphalt
behold the rigor mortis concrete
with our dreams spread below us
in discrete smithereens, should
ulcers and headaches be all we've left
to realte,
remember who asked for it;
how you begged me to harbor this.
When caffeine-pumped mud and handfuls
of pills can't soften the clout
of another breakfast in silence, as you plow
through your toast, wearing your words on your
eyelids, like you've been bound to a contract
formed from love you can't finance,
remember who wanted it;
this crutch for your innocence.
When we exchange our malaise through
the longhand of lawyers
pre-nuptial agreements cloak the table
at supper, should you blindfold the face
that once shimmered from slumber,
remember who yearned for this;
how only peril's become of it.
When I write just to escape you
my pen grown allergic to madrigal
my poems just bare poetastery
framed emblems of sabotage
should your lips beg you mercy
like you've stolen kisses from molotavs,
spare me that art of condolences;
just remember who wanted this.
When the penny-stuffed attic stands
shrouded by mortgage
when you leap at forgiveness
your paint bleeds drawn and quartered
when I scream
"forget wedlock, it's business
and no woman's heart need afford it".
remember who could have died for it;
I think we're both better off like this.
Goodnight,Goodnight. |
|
|
| "She'd be rollin' on a river. . .." |
[Feb. 14th, 2003|04:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "At my most beautiful"- REM | ] |
Seriously, take your holiday and shove it.
Valentine's Day Shmalentine's Day.
It's only a clever ploy to make people feel more alone.
By the way, is there ANYONE actually enjoying life right now? |
|
|
| "Just one more mouthful and they will be happy then..." |
[Feb. 4th, 2003|11:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Last Night I dreampt that somebody loved me"- The Smiths | ] |
heyimkarrie: what's on your mind?
mi Chell 912: i'm just not in the mood for much lately
heyimkarrie: Oh, you couldn't talk to a better person on that topic michelle.
heyimkarrie: trust me.
mi Chell 912: yeah
mi Chell 912: i'm worried about you
mi Chell 912: the bright eyes quotes
mi Chell 912: that's when you know
heyimkarrie: hah well you know what bright eyes does to a depressed girl.
mi Chell 912: yes
heyimkarrie: Sean just keeps calling me emo face.
mi Chell 912: aww
mi Chell 912: :-(
heyimkarrie: and emo posterchild.
heyimkarrie: yeah.
mi Chell 912: tell him to eat poo
heyimkarrie: oh i will.
mi Chell 912: so
mi Chell 912: what can we do
heyimkarrie: What's the problem?
mi Chell 912: i dunno
mi Chell 912: that's the problem
mi Chell 912: my life is just empty
mi Chell 912: i don't laugh anymore
heyimkarrie: :-\
heyimkarrie: either do i.
heyimkarrie: or smile.
mi Chell 912: and i don't really listen to music
mi Chell 912: yeah
heyimkarrie: whatsoever
heyimkarrie: yikes michelle
heyimkarrie: now that's not right
heyimkarrie: why not the music?
mi Chell 912: i've been to 1 show since november
mi Chell 912: i dunno
mi Chell 912: it hasn't been working
mi Chell 912: i have the same couple cds in my car
mi Chell 912: i hate work
mi Chell 912: i don't go anywhere
mi Chell 912: they closed my coffee shop
heyimkarrie: i can definitely see why ud hate work
heyimkarrie: just as i hate shcool
mi Chell 912: oh school was so much better
heyimkarrie: ick.
heyimkarrie: you need to get out
mi Chell 912: there's no jobs anywhere right now
mi Chell 912: so it's not lookin good
heyimkarrie: it's not lookin' good for humanity.
mi Chell 912: yeah
mi Chell 912: god
mi Chell 912: someone needs to separate us
heyimkarrie: who?
mi Chell 912: haha
mi Chell 912: we're just talking about how much everything sucks
mi Chell 912: hah
heyimkarrie: haha
heyimkarrie: oohhhhh
heyimkarrie: well, sheesh.
mi Chell 912: but yeah
heyimkarrie: I dunno what else to do.
mi Chell 912: this impending war
mi Chell 912: we know it's coming
mi Chell 912: how can people look ahead
heyimkarrie: inevitably yes.
mi Chell 912: it's like..well..fuck
heyimkarrie: well, shit.
heyimkarrie: exactly.
mi Chell 912: every day it's some new crap
heyimkarrie: you're right.
mi Chell 912: and they expect me to give a shit about helping some retarded customer find some overpriced cd?
heyimkarrie: that's what makes the world go round I guess...
mi Chell 912: i could care less if we have the new avril levigne cd
mi Chell 912: ignoring the important stuff
mi Chell 912: and not looking outside of your little world
heyimkarrie: I hear you loudandfuckingclear.
mi Chell 912: and my god
mi Chell 912: don't watch the news
mi Chell 912: it's so fucking depressing
heyimkarrie: Oh I've stopped reading the newspapers as well.
mi Chell 912: i was reading this thing today
mi Chell 912: it said something about generation x has gone through so much that we're kinda immune
mi Chell 912: like the shuttle thing didn't strike us as hard
mi Chell 912: i dunno
mi Chell 912: that's how i feel
mi Chell 912: shit like this happens
mi Chell 912: and i'm surprised that hadn't happened sooner
heyimkarrie: god
heyimkarrie: i didnt even think of that
heyimkarrie: that's fuckin' scary
mi Chell 912: what?
heyimkarrie: but i mean it's kinda true
mi Chell 912: yeah
heyimkarrie: we are kind of immune..
mi Chell 912: i mean..
mi Chell 912: after sept 11th..what could be worse
mi Chell 912: other than someone bombing us or something
mi Chell 912: i mean..that anthrax thing was fucked up
heyimkarrie: exactly
heyimkarrie: like im pretty sure after 911 nothing will really shock us
heyimkarrie: unless we all just die.
heyimkarrie: we'll be shocked then.
mi Chell 912: yeah
mi Chell 912: i mean
mi Chell 912: plus all that fucked up other shit
mi Chell 912: the bombing of that federal building
heyimkarrie: right
mi Chell 912: the school shootings, COLUMBINE
mi Chell 912: that seriously changed schools forever
heyimkarrie: forever.
mi Chell 912: yes
mi Chell 912: and i mean.. everything is so fucked up
heyimkarrie: everything.
mi Chell 912: we have that whole aids thing
mi Chell 912: that was basically non existant before 1980
heyimkarrie: well
heyimkarrie: yeah pretty much
heyimkarrie: except in other countries
heyimkarrie: god.
heyimkarrie: we're doomed in one way or another i suppose. . .
mi Chell 912: oh yeah
mi Chell 912: we're destroying each other
mi Chell 912: for sure
heyimkarrie: sad but true. .
mi Chell 912: that's why i just was hoping to wake up to green grass, blue skies, and sun today
mi Chell 912: but that didn't happen
heyimkarrie: wouldn't that be nice. .
mi Chell 912: yes
heyimkarrie: Ugh.. ..
heyimkarrie: I don't know whether talking about this made things better in my mind, or worse.
mi Chell 912: now that i'm the bringer of happy sunshine and cheer
heyimkarrie: haha.
heyimkarrie: well fuck
mi Chell 912: yeah
mi Chell 912: i just think too much
heyimkarrie: what ever. I'm sick of people running around with nothing to worry about.
heyimkarrie: Not a care in the world.
welcome to:
something like elation when you first open your eyes
just cuz it means
that you musta finally got to sleep last night
welcome to:
the precipice between groundlessness and flight
it's quiet here except for this song
now that everybody's gone
but hey
least you don't have to play along today
besides which
welcome to:
taking the good stuff down off of the shelf
and welcome to:
the art of conversation with yourself
welcome to:
humming an unbroken tune
all day long.... |
|
|
| "Oh my darling, when you smile, it is like a song.." |
[Jan. 20th, 2003|11:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The calendar hung itself"- Bright Eyes | ] |
there are stories in the soil, loose leaves cover the ground
there's volumes in the forest, no one reads out loud
if i could take them down off of that mountain shelf
we used to climb but no one tries to go up that far now yeah
we're all too busy working, entertaining ourselves
forty hours television and prescription pills
well i take two a day to make my brain behave
it never does but who's to say at least my doctor gets paid
so that's fine, yeah come by we'll take the afternoon off
we can kiss and undress or if you want just talk
cause i've got nothing real, just empty space to fill
and you're my girl i like your style just imagine all the time we could kill
and time's not poison but once you drink it all you'll die
so let's just sip it real slow
yeah we can nurse it all night
try to believe that once it's gone
we'll pour another round and come back to life
come right back
i guess i'm moving faster now or that's what they said
and though some days still take forever i can't disagree
because it seems to me that i wake up and sleep
look in the mirror have no idea what happened in between
but i remember counting days down 'til the year could be done
so i could scatter all my notebooks on the prep school lawn
and disappear again into a summer's bliss
of staying out sleeping in and getting drunk with my friends
that's gone and i know that it won't ever come back
i accept i won't cling to what i had in the past
but life's a slippery slope, regret's the steepest hill
hope for the best, plan for the worst and maybe wind up somewhere
in the middle
and i'm not saying that i know what i want
but i know what i don't, don't want to rot in my room
and never know what could have been
believe what everyone else tells me is true
yeah, they say 'true'
that's what they say
And just when I thought that no one cared. . . God I'm so alone. |
|
|
| In the arms of sleep |
[Jan. 5th, 2003|12:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Track 1 | ] |
"Sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to his loney heart
there are some things I'll live without
but I want you to know that I need you right now...
I need you tonight...
I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
cause I'll always miss her where ever she goes
and I'll always need her more than she could ever need me
I need someone to ease my mind
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find
And I'll do anything to keep her here tonight..
And I'll say anything to make her feel alright..
And I'll be anything to keep her here tonight..
Cause I want you to say with me
I need you tonight...
She comes to me like an angel out of time
as I play the part of a saint on my knees
there are some things I'll live without
but I want you to know that I need you right now
suffer my desire...
suffer my desire..
suffer my desire for you." |
|
|
| "Fuck this time and place" she says. .. (Yes I long for the old days...) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2003|12:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | shutup | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The night I lost the will to fight"-Cursive | ] |
I could quite possibly write all sorts of things... I could maybe write an entire book about what's gone through my head since I walked through the threshold of my house for the holidays... but I simply won't, for many reasons. Could it be that really, even as we post our hardships and struggles, no one actually cares? . . I'm not speaking in terms of particularities; just being general. I could post about my deepest thoughts and feelings, about how I dread returning to school but I can't possibly live another moment in this house, but rather I'd get a larger reaction if I divulged the fact that I went to the mall today and bought some new jeans and a watch. Because thats what's important... this is what we care about. Then I guess I purposefully deflect anything worthwhile. Perhaps this will satisfy your interest.
Which Character From "Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas" Are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm definitely robbing Claire of all her mental-goodness, and making a plea for good reading material. I have that kind of time... Leave me some recommendations of good books you've read over the years. I need something to make the clock tick. |
|
|
| "What a difference a day makes, when the day breaks. .In the morning, am I mourning. . ?" |
[Dec. 9th, 2002|11:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Where is my mind?"- Pixies | ] |
. .. Nothing to say. . !
How about. . .
-I went home this weekend. Well, kinda. I went to the city on Saturday, but I was home on Friday and Sunday. I was completely bored out of my mind. .. maybe it was just because all the kids I hang out with occasionally were at school. . but I doubt it. As much as I complain about school, I really wanted to be here over the weekend. I got home on Friday, sat on my couch, and wondered "What the hell do I do here. . ?". I don't wanna do that over Christmas break. I wanna go places, see people, not waste my time.
--Last week of the semester is here. God, it went by so fast. I can't believe it's over. The more I think about it, this semester was definitely trying. I had some real rough times the past couple months, but, I think I had some really good times as well. I've made some good friendships, and I'll never forget them, ever. I think in the end, maybe they were what kept me going. So, to the select people I can call my friends, thanks dudes. I'm gonna miss my Adam, my Thursday crew, and my partner in drunk, Laura McLala.
k Bye. |
|
|
| "I'll wear glass shoes and plastic wrap. . No I'll just wear my insides. . " |
[Dec. 2nd, 2002|12:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The sound of your brain cracking. | ] |
And so begins the countdown to the end of the semester. . .
18 days and I'm gonna be the lonliest girl ever. I'm gonna do everything I can to make these last weeks worthwhile.
Let's go back. . . way, way back. . .
Before Thanksgiving break stuff:
(...Sometimes it's better to let things sit a while...)
*Break couldn't have come at a better time. . .I needed out of this place.. and quick. School work, no sleep, the people, the walls of my room, being in my own skin. . . it was just getting to be too much. I really needed time to go home, relax, and think about where I am, how I'm treating others, and how I'm treating myself. It's been a long, long time since I've really thought about that.
*So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights before break pretty much all blend into one for the most part. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Thursday, I think, was spent at the OST with Laura and Steiner. It was kind of a last minute thing, and clearly, I needed to get drunk. So I think Thursday nite was pretty decent. . yes I remember there being pizza too. Friday, I think was maybe one of the worst nites I've had here. Yeah it definitely was.. . It's perfectly fine if my life is falling apart, but it tears me apart to see my friends hurting. Especially when it's just not fair. . I guess when it comes down to it, after thinking about where I put myself in my life, I don't care. I'd rather have a miserable night and cry myself to sleep than see the people I care about fall to pieces. If that's putting myself last, so be it. I've learned alot about friends, and "friends" these past semesters of mine... I've learned who I want to be, and who I do not want to be. . I think if I could just figure out who I am, I'd be set. I'm sick of the "friends" I have at home, and the "friends" I have here. If you want nothing more than to flash me a fake smile and do the
meaningless small talk-deal, don't bother. I'm through.
Saturday equaled any method possible to better the mood and the weekend. So I got another tattoo, had pizza and 40's with Laura, and went to 48 and the bars. Thank god. I wonder what the next two and a half weeks has in store for little ol' me. . .
*Home was nice. . .at first. My first nite back consisted of me getting a ride home with Frank, leaving his house, immediately getting into my car and driving to the Saves the Day show. Can I just say I've never been happier. That show blew my mind. They played so much old stuff, three acoustic songs. . . After a week of hell I couldn't have asked for anything more. . I could have stayed there forever. . but I'd end up killing every fourteen year old girl if I did. I actually saw two out of the three people who supposedly wanted to see me, which was pretty good odds I guess. Congrats to you guys for caring. Whatever, I don't think I've ever left home wanting to go back to school but, I think there's a first time for everything.
*These last weeks better be to my liking or else. . expect to never talk to me again.
I'm not bitter anyways. . . |
|
|
| "I'll never write the letter, I wish you could read. . .the words perfectly" |
[Nov. 9th, 2002|03:59 pm] |
Ugh. Sick of it all.
Things I learned from Quasi-Girls Night Out Part II:
-Never listen to Laura.
-Never stay up till 3:30 am, only to wake up still drunk at 7:00 am to study for a test at 9.
-It is not cool to drop pizza crusts on people.
-Old men at the door who ask for your ID definitely don't even work at the bar.
-I know another person who's mother is a Church Lady.
-Don't write all over other people's phonebooks and dry-erase boards with things like "Alf's #", and "Abe Lincoln".
-Always avoid breaking bottles while the light is on and everyone can see that your the dumbass who did it.
-Laura is John Lennon reincarnated.
-The contact-solution-bottle-soccer-madness never dies.
Miscellaneous:
-I'm reeeaaalllly sick. I had to miss my classes on Friday (except for my test at 9) because I blacked out in the hallway. This past week was insane. . . So much work, so little sleep, so many tests/papers, homework, hundred of pages to read, health centers to visit. . I guess my body was just so run down, it needed to tell me to stop for a second. I spent the rest of the day passed out in my bed. But, this makes me really scared, because I've been feeling sick all semester. . . I'm constantly tired, lack of appetite, poor attitude, no motivation. . .I'm such a slacker this semester, I put off everything, no matter how big or small, till the last minute. . I was such a good student last year. . It just makes me scared that there might even be the slightest possiblity of me getting sick again. Everytime I pass out unexpectadly I get this blast from the pretty-recent past..I can't take any more shots, or people taking my blood, or testing me a million times for lime disease. It's yes or no.
*I think I might want to live alone next year. I don't know. I've always really, really liked being alone. . .but I don't wanna be too alone. . I don't know. I need to learn to get along better with people of the same sex I think.
*On a happier note, I talked to my family today, and they had just got home from Congress Park. My mom, my Aunt Karen, my sister's Steph and Kate, my sister-in-law Isabelle, my Aunt Kathleen, and my cousin Justin walked/raised money for ALS. Being here and witnessing all the negativity and all the acts of selfishness and unkindness, it's really nice to be reminded that the people you really love are at home, giving back to a cause that makes a difference. Of course we did it in rememberance of Pop, but every dollar, every person who walks for the cause really means something. . . especially Kathleen and Justin. . battling Leukemia everyday, but walking three miles for ALS. . it's just something that really, really makes me proud.
The days are winding down. . . After Thanksgiving break, this semester is over. . and it's scaring me. Enough. . . |
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| "standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in..." |
[Nov. 3rd, 2002|01:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bob Marley | ] |
Alot to catch up on, but nothing that really matters. . .
*Halloween was fun times. All week I tried to think of something to be, but I just couldn't think of anything creative. Ideally, all week, I was thinking about how cool it would be to be Jack, the Pumpkin King, from the Nightmare before Christmas. Then come to find out Libby and her friend Ed were Jack and Sally; pretty wierd. They looked amazing. Anywho, last minute I decided to be a nerd, like revenge of the nerds-style. And ya know, basically it was just me in my own clothes, kind of nerd-ified. . . I just wore my pants all highwater-ish, with my shirt buttoned wrong, and tucked into my underwear, a dorky tie, my glasses with white tape in the middle, pens/"pocket protector" (really just a piece of paper on my pocket that everyone made fun of!), argyle socks, dorky hair. The sad part is I just felt like myself, heh. Being a super nerd comes pretty naturally to me. I love Halloween so much tho. . . no one is really worried about their appearance, and you get to be someone else for the day. Love it. So after 48w, we wandered to another party that didn't exist, then just kinda ended up home. But, the nite was fun, and it's my first real halloween here.. . I don't want it to be the last.
*Friday nite started off perfectly. . . We got to Saratoga Winners around 8:30, caught the last song by Planes Mistaken for Stars (I didn't care if I missed them or not). From Autumn to Ashes played a pretty short set, which I was happy about. I'm not a fan of them, but they really didn't play too bad of a show. They actually have one really good song that I kinda dig. Maybe it's just the chick singer that gets me. The wierd thing about that band is it just reminds me of my friend LeeLee, who actually is real good friends with the guys in the band, and she was actually supposed to be "that chick" who sings the nine-minute song. Whatever. I definitely just went to see Onelinedrawing and Thursday. Jonah was amazing. . I've been listening to him for a while, but I've never seen him play before so it was real, real great. But, it kinda ruined my nite in a way, because the entire place was filled with fuckin' 14 year olds who didn't have a clue who he was or what he stands for. It was pretty ridiculous. I don't even think the majority of kids who were there knew why they were there. . like if you were 18+ at this show, you were old. . I wanted to kill the girl behind me. Not only was she annoying and young and rude, but she was wearing a Saves the Day t-shirt. I definitely elbowed her ALOT. In between bands, they played new found glory and taking back sunday, and the starting line, and all these lame drive-thru bands, and all the stupid girls sang them so loudly, god I wanted to kill so many people that nite. Baahhh but anyways, I'll never get tired of seeing Thursday. I don't know what it is, but sometimes, it's really not about the scene. I don't care how lame they've become or how their not the best band live (by far), but, i don't know, they just do something for me. When it comes right down to it, they just "strike a chord" in me somewhere, and that's all that really matters sometimes. I was definitely so close too, but it was pretty rough. Michelle was there, which was awesome. I haven't seen Bruni in a real long time, so it was nice. It was cool actually, she just kind of ended up where I was. God, I haven't even gotten to the majority of the nite. . . So, we get out of the show pretty early, around midnight. We know we need to get gas, but why, i don't know, we don't get it in Latham. Adam thinks he can make it to Cobleskill. Well fuckin' shit, we didn't make it. We ran out of gas and had to go to all these places to try and find gas, but it was definitely a lost cause. Every single thing that could have possibly went wrong, did. Even the cops didn't give a shit. We went to Wal*Mart to try and call people at 48w to come and get us, but they definitely didn't give a shit if we spent the whole nite freezing our asses off. It really is amazing to see the differences between people, and the people who won't do a thing for you, and the other people who will go out of their way to do anything they can to help you out in any possible way. Long story short, we had to leave the car there, and get a forty-dollar cab back to campus. Randomly, we ran into the guys from Autumn to Ashes. They were super, super nice. They were eating dinner at Wal*Mart and buying gloves and scarves b/c they were headed to Pittsburgh for their next show. Really nice guys. Just a nite of alot of ups and downs.
* All day Saturday I was just lazy. . . I did some laundry tho, which is good. . and I cleaned a little, but my room is messy again now. I caught up on Real World's, I was waaaay behind. Had some pizza, again, with Laura, and just kind of awaited the nite b/c I had to make it better than Friday nite was. It started off real, real well. You can't go wrong with Old English 40's. The people at the house were a lot less annoying; most of the people were cool, less slutty girls like the usual people there for parties. We went to the OST, which was fun, I thought. The nite kinda ended badly, but, eh I don't wanna get into that. I don't know whether I cared too much for people that nite, or cared too less. . . I don't know what I did wrong really. . I really can't please anyone I don't think. .when I think I'm being sincere towards everyone around me, maybe I'm not? All I really wanted to do was make sure everyone got home safely and together. God, even this girl that I really pretty much despise, was so upset and drunk and crying, and even tho I really don't like her, I hate to see people cry, i don't care who it is. She gets treated real harshly by everyone, and she probably doesn't have anyone. . I know what that feels like. . everybody needs a break sometimes. I tried to do what I could to make her feel better, even just for a second. It ended up that Jessie just yelled at her, and she left on her own, drunk, cold, crying, and alone. I don't care who you are, no one should be treated that way. I just really can't stand the fact that everyone here is so self-indulgent. Take a second and try to see how it feels to be someone else for a fucking minute. The nite was just kind of stupid after that. Well, atleast I feel stupid about it. I really have to stop making things dramatic when I've been drinking. When I wake up in the morning, all I think about is how differently I could have handled things. It just really didn't have to be a big deal with me and Adam. But, whatever. Today's another day. . . another day where I have a bruised toenail from a hardcore contact-solution-soccer game. I'm really grateful for the friends I do have here. The people who do actually care once in a while. . . I don't know what I would have done lastnite if it weren't for Laura.
*I just remembered this morning when I woke up that I was supposed to get another tattoo today. Whoops. Dianne and Frank pushed it back till next weekend, yay. Tattoo's anyone? Everyone's doing it now. Duh.
*This semester is flying. . I mean really, it's almost over. . that's scary. .like, I just got here. I just got here in August, but I just got here as in freshman year, eighteen years old. God, I'll be a junior next year, that's crazy. I'm gonna be 20 soon. . .that's 2 decades. . . that's old. .
*Saves the Day, Nov. 26th. Come with me. Really. |
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| "I woke up at 1:30 today. . .the world was still going. . " |
[Oct. 16th, 2002|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Goodbye"- The New Amsterdams | ] |
I always wanted to know what LJ was for. What it was for for me anyways. Nothing happens and I don't even like to share with other people. I figured out it's just a place for me to vent and no one can really tell me what to do or what i should be doing. It's pretty much me feeling sorry for myself and not having to look at people's reactions. It's just easier this way. No one listens either way.
...I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way but sometimes I feel like I'm making myself crazy. Myabe it's me, maybe it's this school, my surroundings, the fact that I can't imagine myself anywhere but here, but knowing I can't wait to get out. Maybe it's you.
All day I just felt completely numb. Something big and drastic could have happened, and it wouldnt have made any difference. I was completely just not here. . . I didn't even feel like I was really living. . I had class and lunch and whatever else and I know I was there, but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything. I was just a robot with a routine and no surprise endings. Basically I was just a waste of space.
. . The only things I really enjoy lately are sleep, a select number of songs, and two incredible books that take my mind off of my own empty pages.
What am I doing? |
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| ". . . How the music stopped or the feel of your breath. . ." |
[Oct. 14th, 2002|01:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | whatever | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Emma Discovery"-The Anniversary. | ] |
Absolutely nothing to say.
Things I like today:
-my little sister being here.
-adult swim.
-dr.pepper.
-the anniversary.
-my bed.
-taped episodes of Alf.
Things I don't like today:
-things that won't go away.
-Oneonta.
-school.
-laundry.
-people.
-myself.
". .It's a stiff competition to see who can stay up later. .
...the stars or the streetlights...?" |
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| "Do you ever get wrapped up in the folds of my memory. . .?" |
[Oct. 2nd, 2002|02:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "All things ordinary"-The Anniversary | ] |
*I suck at this whole LJ thing. I always have. Either nothing remotely interesting happens throughout my days, or I don't update because I don't think a single person actually reads my journal anyways. I guess whenever I need it, it's there to be an outlet of some sort.
*I've had maybe the worst week of the semester this week. I also thought that about last week, until this week surpassed the last. Like woah. Last week I had two papers to do, a book to finish up, about 692834 math problems, and a quiz to study for. I figured, ok, I'll get all this work done and then the next week will be cake. pie if you will. And i felt great about the work I did too. . .until I got my paper back from my African History professor. To make a long story short, this paper that I did, and really well might I add, didn't get graded because she accused me of using websites and not citing where I got my information. If you know me well enough, you know I'd never do anything like this, especially because I'm an English major and I know what teacher's look for in a paper. I talked to her after class, while trying not to punch her in the face, and she told me she might have over-generalized because alot of student's did use illegitimate sources. I was not one of them. Point is, no matter how hard you work, no matter how well the outcome, no matter how hard you try to succeed, it doesn't pay off. Atleast it doesn't for me. ever. What the fuck ever. I'm sick of working my ass off to get a fuckin' 3.8, and then being accused of getting it through means like this. I take school real seriously...now I'm thinkin' I take it way more seriously than I should.
* On top of feeling like this school is worthless academically, sometimes I can't even pin down the reasons why I'm here. Or more like what's keeping me here. As much as I absolutely love the people I've met here, I don't think I ever will really feel like I have a place. A place in Oneonta or like a fuckin' place in life. Yeah maybe I'm just saying that because it's been a horrible week and I'm feelin' the effects. That's fair. But honestly sometimes it feels like the world is just full of people who wanna talk, talk, talk, and never actually listen. I talked to an old friend the other nite, and she went on for about an hour and a half about her situation. I absolutely adore this girl and I want to hear about how she's doing. I just wish that in return, she, or pretty much everyone, would do the same for me. With so much going on and so much involvement, no one really has time or cares to really listen to someone. really listen. I'm all about listening to those who i care about. I think that's one of my priorities in life. As much as i think i don't even need expression and conversation sometimes, I do. We all do.
*Well, this was a happy post! Really, I'm not as depressed as I seem. I just need to get past this week and I'll be back to normal. Happy thoughts. |
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heyimkarrie's journal